too much and not enough

I think I don’t hate him. 

I was thinking about this as I saw him at church today and wanted to punch him in the face.

I hate myself.

Not entirely…of course…for the most part I don’t hate myself…just when it comes to him.  

I hate myself for trusting him…for giving him part of my heart…for thinking he was what i wanted. I hate myself because I was too free to release parts of my heart that should have been kept secret to him. I hate myself because I trusted him and I waited and I thought he wanted me and I prayed and when I finally did so many things I thought that he had won me over…he didn’t want me.

I hate myself because he hurt me and i felt like a worthless prize because some jerk didn’t want me. I hate myself for giving him so much power.