too much and not enough

I’m not sad tonight…I’m just pissed off. 

Seriously? I trusted him. I trusted him too much…yes, i know that is my fault. I probably shouldn’t have told him those things. But I thought he earned it…i thought he proved I can trust him. I thought he wasn’t going to be like one of those other guys.

I thought I thought I thought.

If my instincts can’t protect me then what then? you know…if people aren’t safe even if they prove themselves worthy of your trust…then what?

I’m pissed because he showed me he was worth trusting then ripped it all away. I’m mad and I’m hurt. and I’m mad because the hurt still isn’t gone two months later.

what the crap.

i’m mad because I told him things before I told anyone else things and he treated me with respect and kindness and listened to me and didn’t tell me i was being too emotional. he told me gently when i needed to calm down and stop letting the bipolar take over my brain…and it never offended me. i thought he was everything i wanted.

I thought I thought I thought.

What was wrong with me? I’m ashamed of my awful decisions and my terrible protecting of my heart. I just wish I could soothe the ache in my heart.  

oh my heart.

just a couple more weeks and I won’t have to see his face twice a week to remind me of my failure and broken heart. just a couple more weeks.

then maybe i’ll learn to protect my heart.